My husband and I have been separated for a while now and he is thinking of returning home.  On one hand I want him to and on the other I am not sure because of many fears I have. I want to do what God wants.    What would be your advice in handling this?  My husband doesn't seem interested in going to church either.  What should I do and/or what should I not do? I need an answer soon.      Thanks!   Tracy  

Dear Tracy:  
Thank you for writing.  I would suggest that now is the best time for you to make some requests before your husband comes back.  Ask him first what 2 or 3 changes you could make to improve your marriage relationship.  Then you can ask him to make 2 or 3 changes that you feel would improve your relationship.   Since he wants to come back you can conclude that he wants to work on the marriage.   Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you or go to a Christian Marriage retreat.   Read one of the following books together.  You can check out the  Prep or Christian Prep web sit for a "Fighting for Your Marriage" retreat near you. 
You can also order their video tapes and watch them together if you can't attend a retreat.  The Prep marriage enrichment program is one of the best in the country and the videos are worth every penny since it will help you save your marriage.  
1. Fighting for Your Marriage : Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love  by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Dean S. Edell $11.20 
2. A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell   $10.50  

You seem anxious about your husband returning. May I ask why?  Was he abusive, either physically or verbally?  Or maybe you had difficulty with conflicts?  What do you mean by "messing up again"?    I can only guess at what the core problems are in your marriage.  
Usually, couples have problems with communication and conflict. This is because relationships need a lot of work.  Couples have many differences to negotiate and work out, ie., personalities, gender, values, beliefs, backgrounds, expectations, goals, parenting, in-laws, and more!  But in my experience when couples begin to bend a little and make some positive changes, their relationship takes a turn for the better!  Giving up is probably the worst thing that can happen.  Making some small positive communication and behavioral changes along with prayer, support and encouragement through retreats, church and counseling can give you hope instead of despair; understanding instead of assumption, caring instead of resentment.  
Please take the time to read some of following FAQ's and advice excerpts from my web site.  I think these might apply to your situation.  Unless there has been physical abuse or unfaithfulness, I would encourage you to take your spouse back.   Physical abuse problems need counseling & relatonship interventions to stop the escalation .   Unfaithfulness needs to be confessed with a committment to restore the marriage.  Seek pastoral counseling as well.  Please contact AACC for a referral to a mental health professional .  
May I reprint your question anonymously in my advice column?   thank you and God bless you!    Let me know how you are doing. Other excellent books can be ordered on our resources page, also. 
../books/index.htm                  Lynette Hoy  
  
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